Officer Saves Abandoned Baby With Her Own Breast Milk; True Story Bro!

The story of a Colombian police officer who used her own breasts and breast milk to save the life of an abandoned child in a remote forest has been making a lot of buzz. This act of kindness has copsuckers suckling from the teat of authoritarian ideology like octuplets from a DDD cup mother. We are led to believe through repetition and insinuation that a few basic acts of humanity by individual LEO’s like this one justify all of the horrors visited upon humanity by the institution of policing.

This is a misguided way of interpreting this event. It was not the police that saved this baby’s life. It was breasts. Titties. Boobs. Jugs. Gazongas. Funbags. And in doing so it has offered us a valuable lesson. We don’t need police to make the world a safer place. We need strippers.

Say your neighbors adult son with mental health issues is causing some problems. Your first thought is to call the police to be sure of the safety of your neighbors, their son and everyone in the neighborhood. But when you do and they arrive, a disturbed man that needed help and not escalation ends up killed right in front of their parents by overzealous cops who feared for their own lives for some obscure reason that rational people will never understand or condone, but seems obvious to police and their obedient supporters. You will probably regret that you ever called the cops.

Yet lets say that instead you called a stripper to respond to the situation. After a few minutes of gyrating globes and the mesmerizing spinning of nipple tassels, the disturbed man has calmed down and is ready to discuss whatever got him worked up to begin with in a reasonable manner. He agrees, under the condition that the tassels come off and a lap dance ensues, to go and get some help dealing with his mental and emotional issues.

Really, though. When was the last time that you heard about a gunman entering a strip club to light the place up? How many Chippendale’s shows have ever ended in gunfire and tragedy? Who have you ever known, while an attractive naked human stood before them in the relative safety of a group, to ever commit aggressive criminal acts? Nobody, that is who. Because even if whatever was happening before doesn’t get sidetracked by sudden lust, the surprise and confusion alone will disable the potential perpetrator.

You think I am joking but I am completely serious. We hairless apes are pretty easy to

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predict in some ways and more difficult in others. It is incredibly difficult to predict how people will react to narcissistic bullies with violent tendencies, guns and a long track record for escalating situations. It is also incredibly easy to predict how people will react when we appeal to their most basic sexual instincts. They stop whatever they were doing and pay attention to the sexual opportunities presenting themselves to them.

So how about replacing first responder and patrol units with the winners of the genetic lottery for attractiveness? Not only can we save more lives, but these new public servants will have total support from citizens and will be regarded as pillars of their community. Everyone wins. The copsuckers get something more healthy to suck, the public servants get to do good things for people and reap status benefits, and the rest of us get to stop worrying about getting killed by perpetual toddlers who were probably weaned way too young.

Abolish police and replace them with strippers. With liberty and genitals for all!

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Alia Atreides

Hi, my name is Trevor. Thanks for reading!