New Copsucker Software Script Updates for Immediate Installation

Sometimes it is hard to believe that there is more than one angry, hateful and fear-mongering fifth grader with Tourettes sitting in front of a computer screen somewhere and playing about a thousand identical characters in comments sections throughout the internet. If you were to run an analysis on copsuckers all across the vastness of cyberverse, you would find about a dozen stock statements and responses getting used over and over again. And no matter how often you counter these non-player character quips, they just keep coming back up. But repetition is not the only problem.

Most of these comments are some form of an attack that has nothing whatsoever to do with the content being commented on. And despite the fact that beginning a discussion with an insult is a pretty shithead thing to do, and that it is also an illogical way to argue, these attacks are almost all entirely untrue or massive stretches of the truth. When egregiously ignorant people who don’t know you and are not equipped for intellectual engagements decide their voice must be heard, what you end up is some really stupid shit.

So here are a few of the most common accusations that I receive. If the copsuckers reading this would be so kind as to update their copsucker software to include new scripts with the following cliches, I would really appreciate it.

  • Get a job! – Sorry guys, but I do have a job outside of writing on the internet. I have been working since I was thirteen years old. I have a great work ethic and have never shied away from hard work. Recently I wrote 7 articles in 24 hours and also worked a shift in the middle of that. What were you doing during that time, repeating rhetorical stereotypes to people who actually put effort into their lives and the world they live? The fact is that most contributors also work outside of writing for this and other websites. So not only is your criticism pointless, it is probably a far greater reflection of your own laziness than ours. And even if none of us had jobs and were making a living as activists and writers, what would be wrong with that? Isn’t that the dream, to do what you love and get paid for it? I think that you are just projecting the misery of your own sorry lives and tiny little world on others because you don’t have the intelligence, talent or motivation to do anything worthwhile yourself.
  • You guys are all meth-heads. – Have you ever actually met a methamphetamine user? Meth heads are not well known for intentionally attracting the attention of the authorities. Nor are they generally able to remain focused on and dedicated to any single task. They certainly are not known for the sort of determination for a given task that myself and my colleagues have put into our writings and activism. Nothing about this accusation makes any sense at all. The entire logic employed during this accusation seems to be- Meth is bad + I don’t like what these people are saying = They must be meth heads. Which is exactly the kind of scattered and irrational logic you find in actual meth users.
  • bainturdYou need to get laid. – While I am super stoked to know that so many of you are spending that much time considering my sex life, you can rest easy knowing that I am in a long term loving relationship with a beautiful, intelligent and funny woman. And fucking just happens to be one of the many pass-times that we enjoy together. However, the frequency with which I engage in romantic and sexual activities has nothing at all to do with anything I have ever written ever. So until you see me write a story called ‘I Fuck More Than Anybody Else and Therefore Cops Are Big Meanies That Gotta Go‘, please reserve your curiosity and judgement about my sex stuff for your own inner fantasy world.
  • You are ugly. – Appearances are entirely subjective. So I am sure that there are many people who do think I am uglier than a prolapsed camel rectum. Meanwhile there are also probably folks that think I am hotter than Georgia asphalt. And most people could probably care less either way because how I look doesn’t really matter to them. And it is most certainly true that how I look does not matter in regards to what I write. Nobody has ever gotten closer to or further from the truth simply because of their fuckability level. I mean, Stephen Hawking probably doesn’t get a lot of fans or critics who just read his stuff because his hot bod and killer smile. But that has nothing to do with his thoughts on interstellar physics or black hole theory. The only kind of people who must resort to criticisms of appearance are children, individuals in primitive societies and total fucking idiots.
  • Muh grammars! – Yeah, grammatical errors are pretty common in my writing. And I have a habit of not really being too concerned with that. I am not interested in grammar. I am interested in ideas. I could bog myself down in perfectionism and get out an article once a week, or I can purge myself of my inner thoughts through the medium of writing without concern for technical details and have more time to get out more ideas to more people. I choose the latter. And this is not just a personal preference born of practical consideration. It is also a response to the sort of grammar OCD sufferers that I have come across over the years. Not once have I ever met a grammarphile who is also a writer of original and interesting ideas. These types always tend to be stiff, boring and have no record for actually writing creatively in any meaningful way. So if being way into the rules of language makes you a boring asshole with nothing to say except to critique others who do, then I want nothing to do with that. Besides, if you are having trouble reading my articles, it probably has much more to do with your reading comprehension and difficulty with complex concepts than it does my writing.
  • You just use big words to try and sound smart. – This one just confuses the living shit out of me. It is like someone telling a singer that they ‘just use perfect pitch and a wide range to sound like a good singer’. That is actually how you define a good singer. And the way you generally define intelligence is through a persons grasp of concepts and language. This is a meaningless criticism. You might as well just say to me- “Pardon me Joshua, but I have the intelligence and vocabulary of a rotting cabbage, so if you cannot dumb things down enough for me to understand them I am going to project my own ignorance onto you using all of the irony on the continent.”
  • You are just a stupid fucking liberal/conservative. – You cannot argue against an assertion by arguing against someones political associations. If you are intellectually honest and capable, you are actually expected to address the specific statements a person makes and judge them according to facts and logic. Yet my real point is this- I am not a liberal or a conservative. I do not support any of the positions held by people who think there should be nation states, governments and/or rulers. I find both left and right statists to be intolerably ignorant and hazardous to our species and planet. And even worse, I am disgusted that these types are so stupid and narrow-minded that they believe that all humans are either a THIS or a THAT, and if they are a THIS and you disagree with them, then the only conclusion is that you are a THAT; and being a THAT is the only reason which that person thinks they way they do. Even more unfortunate is that their own ideas are all canned and prepackaged, so they believe these false two part divides are true in others because they are true in themselves. Just to be clear, I do not support either mainstream political ideology. I do not support political ideologies in general. Fuck your politics.

There are more of these copsuckerisms, but my head already hurts just from thinking about all of the stupid repetitive shit I hear all of the time. But you can find more at our Welcome Copsuckers Page and we will continue to add to that database for as long as we are forced to repeat the same shit over and over to the standing army of cloned rhetoric drones that blast us with their troglodyte slogans on a regular basis.

So if ya’all suckers of cop wouldn’t mind updating your response apps to refresh your database of irrelevant quips and imbecile cliches, that would be great. We look forward to hearing and debunking all of the new stupid that will drool its way out of your minds in the near future.

I do have one last bit of business that I wanna add on to the end of this. Some of our supporters find it distasteful that we use the term ‘copsuckers’. While I will admit that it is not a very advanced label and that it shows a low level of sophistication, intelligence and maturity; get back to me when you spend day in and out dealing with the sort of people we reserve that label for, and tell me that it isn’t just a little bit gratifying and relieving to play on the latent inhibitions, bigotries and emotional triggers of these people. Most of them would prefer to see far worse happen to us than we would to them. Just because we disagree with these dipshits does not mean we wish them harm in real life, although they often tell us what they wish would happen to us or what they would do to us and our families. And it never involves cookies or a happy ending. Even peaceful people like us need to blow off a little steam. So relax. Using the term ‘copsuckers’ is just a silly coping device we have for relieving the stress that comes with being constantly attacked for having an unpopular message. And if you have a better term that keeps intact the humorous sting of ‘copsucker’ I would love to hear it and might even consider adopting it instead in the future. But it better be good.

Click here to read more about the very real problems of anti-intellectualism in modern society.

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Alia Atreides

Hi, my name is Trevor. Thanks for reading!