This may come as a shock to our loyal readers, but the entire staff of CopBlock.org has had a change of heart. For a variety of reasons, culminating in a late night viewing of Judge Dredd on FX, we have come to realize the error of our ways, and to accept and proclaim that not only are America’s police the dutiful and faithful executors of the law as enacted by legislatures at every level of government across the land, they ARE THE LAW! Now, we realize that regular readers may be taken aback by this development, so we’re prepared to explain our change of heart, in hopes it persuades all of you that we, and you, have been wrong all along.
Before we go any further, we have to give credit where it’s due. Shane Smith (aka Alexander Cole), once a regular commenter on our Facebook page, has been instrumental in bringing about this profound shift in our collective consciousness, and for that, we’d like to publicly thank him. Although he has been silent for some time, all Cop Blockers seek to welcome him back with open arms, as we would like to engage in a productive and mutually supportive discussion with him. We are particularly interested to know how such an enlightened mind was able to reach to the correct conclusions far earlier than we were.
Each of us has had a unique and personal epiphany, so we’d like to use this space to share the reasons for coming around to this new and clearly superior way of thinking about those wonderfully brave, blue polyester-clad paladins of virtue, those proud defenders of all that is right, and true and good about these United States, the police. The founder of CopBlock.org, Mr. Ademo Freeman, was first to have second thoughts: “I’m really sorry for misleading people on policing issues today. I just wanted to be different and did what I thought was ‘cool.’ Now that I’ve seen the light, Cop Block will advocate obedience to the government in all its forms.”
Ademo also highlighted CopBlock.org’s intention to reach out to those currently working in the House of Corrections, whom he credits for his transformation, stating, “At the House of Corrections I realized that having someone there to tell me what to do all the time was the only way. I can’t manage my life — it’s too difficult, so many decisions. Who could possibly figure all that out on their own? The House of Corrections is a great solution to this problem. They tell you when to eat, sleep and even screen your mail. I can only hope that other offenders of authority will be as open as I was while going through my correction process. Again, I’m sorry for making it seem like we’re all equal, I’m not that man anymore.”
Staff Writer and attorney George Sand has also realized the necessity and importance of the state’s punitive caste of potentially lethal “law” enforcers, thanks to a frightening encounter in a dark alley with a man purporting to be a cop. After being beaten and sodomized, she called “911”, and an indifferent officer showed up less than an hour after the crime to take a report, and George said she was eternally grateful for this useful public service. “I sure learned my lesson about speaking badly about police,” she stated. She also reported the assailant stated he “smelled fear on her,” thus definitively proving her need for police protection. George blames Ademo for her temporary lapse in judgment. “He brainwashed me into believing such rubbish,” she explains. Ademo believes George should hold herself accountable for her own actions. “She’s just trying to scapegoat me but really, we’re all equally guilty,” he said. While the two have both converted into cop suckers, they are no longer on speaking terms.
George is also embarrassed she was led so astray, and wants to make sure it never happens to anyone else. She is set to begin a campaign to make all forms of dissent illegal. Although the First Amendment may be a bit of a speed bump, she is optimistic. “People will see that this is for the safety of society. Think of the children! Who can say no to that?” When asked about her previous support for whistleblower Bradley Manning, George expresses abject humiliation and regret. “I now know that unpatriotic commie should rot in hell and be executed!”
When Brett Perry, regular Cop Block contributor, was asked what changed his mind, he stated, “I grew tired of all the glares the local police gave me and the feeling that they were just waiting for me to screw up. That was the main reason I changed my ways. They made me nervous.” Brett continued, “But the real kicker was when I received a ticket for running a stop sign last year. I vowed not to pay since I didn’t endanger anyone. But when my sister said ‘You’re fucking stupid. I hope they make you pay twice as much,'” I did an immediate 180 and now love cops and everyone trying to control my behavior.
We can only thank his wise and munificent siblings for their profound wisdom, and their courage in sharing it so eloquently with Brett. But he had even more to say, revealing the truly sinister nature of the Cop Block organization, “Ademo was our cult leader. He promised us 74 virgins if we started preaching responsibility. We all held up our end but the virgins never came. It’s straight up brainwashing. I cannot believe he thinks the government doesn’t deserve his money.” Brett no longer writes for CopBlock.org and is suing Ademo for 74 virgins.
On the other hand, the promise of lousy sex with 74 virgins did not hold much appeal to the female Cop Blockers. Thus, Ademo had promised them an endless supply of gift certificates to spas. When those were not forthcoming, George and Paula began to have suspicions. They started to question the merits of police accountability. They too have filed lawsuits against Ademo for breach of contract, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and intentional deprivation of pedicures.
With respect to the police, Paula said that “a light bulb went off one night when my neighbors were playing loud music. Why go talk to them myself when I can call armed men to come do it for me?” After watching the cops bang on her neighbors door and then proceed to Taser two of their guests, she knew right then that those police officers were real heros. We can only hope some criminal charges can ultimately be brought against Ademo, so he can taste the righteous retribution of the Taser, 10,000 volts at a time. After all, that’s what cops are for!
Rob, too had a change of heart and feels immensely guilty for highlighting police brutality and posting about police officers when they merely made mistakes. “They are only human like everyone else. Sometimes humans murder; police are no different. It is not fair to criticize them,” he states. To redeem himself, Rob is now signed up to be the first volunteer to have a RFID (Radio-frequency identification) chip implanted in his brain to allow the government track his location, monitor what he eats and to ensure he never writes negative articles about the brave men and women of the police force again.
In another shocking turn of events, Nick revealed himself to be a federal agent on deep cover. “The podcasts really had them all fooled,” he sneered. “Everybody ate that banjo song up, hook, line and sinker.” Even so, Nick has some regrets. “I’m disappointed they figured this out for themselves,” he lamented. “I was looking forward to raiding their property. Fucking quitters! No, they’re just pussies.”
Ademo, for his part, blames Pete. “Look, we can’t be responsible for our own actions. We all need someone to blame, and I blame Pete. He seems all nice and harmless but he’s the one that led me down this undeniably wicked path.”
And Pete had his own statement to make, declaring, “Certain people must be given more rights to protect those unable to protect themselves. Sure, some people get hurt in the process, but the world isn’t perfect. The ends justify the means. I’m glad I finally came to this realization. My only regret is that I won’t be able to pursue a career as a law enforcement professional – a field that I actually went to school for – due to my multiple arrests when acting under the false notion of self-ownership and the non-initiation of force.”
As for me, I occurs to me I have been a victim of my own insecurities vis-a-vis the police. I’ve come to realize they simply are better people than me, and their status as government employees, the acolytes of our state’s punitive priesthood of violence, imbues them with a genuinely superior sense of justice which naturally affords them the ability to determine without a second’s reflection exactly what the appropriate level of physical punishment is necessary to correct unlawful behavior (which is synonymous with immoral behavior, after all, if it weren’t fundamentally wrong, it wouldn’t be illegal!). Basically, it’s a cop thing, and we mere mundanes can never hope to comprehend their special powers. Ours is only to obey, in naked awe and wonder at their magnificence.
Sadly, I’ve long been second-guessing my betters, subjecting them to criticism just as unwarranted as their frequent searches of vehicles, persons and property. Who am I to armchair quaterback these paladins of virtue, the very “Thin Blue Line” that stands between my comfortable life and total, bloody chaos? I should prostrate myself before them, wallowing in my insignificance and hoping to curry some small favor from these wise and munificent demigods who strap on guns, Tasers and bullet proof vests every day, risking their very lives out of an utterly altruistic desire to serve and protect their community, without any sense of self-aggrandizement or lust for power and control over others.
Fortunately, I have seen the light, and I realize my place now. I understand the necessity of this hierarchy backed by an explicit monopoly on the use of overwhelming force, as it has clearly been ordained by God himself (if it weren’t, why would it be? No, this is quite obviously the best of all possible worlds, and everything is as it should be). I am grateful that only half of my income goes to pay the institutions which provide me with this indispensable service, the true value of which is likely incalculable, and for which I would be glad to pay double.
These men and women have been righteously sanctified for their selfless dedication to duty, often literally baptized in the blood of the vermin they sweep from the streets on my behalf, like non-violent drug users, people voluntarily exchanging money for sexual gratification, or vicious jay-walkers, who callously cross roads without availing themselves of the state’s generous provision of crosswalk facilities, endangering otherwise peaceful drivers with their selfish insistence on reaching their destination via the shortest possible route. Pedestrians! Enemies of the state! A pox on all their houses!
Anyway… I digress. All I have to say is, and if you aren’t doing anything wrong (and the guilty know who you are, rest assured, retribution is forthcoming, you shall rue the day! Rue, I tell you!) , you have nothing to fear. I for one welcome our new blue polyester-clad overlords!