“Greenfield Police Sgt. Todd M. Dodge Placed on Administrative Leave for Menopause after exclaiming, ‘I’d fucking kill you!'” by Thomas Spooner

This post was written in satire and can be found at rightonthemark.com:

“Hello Maggot!”, was the salutation proffered by Greenfield Police Sgt. Todd M. Dodge to his 8 year old niece upon arriving at her birthday party. Upon realizing the seriousness of his transgression Sgt. Dodge was immediately reduced to tears and aggressively reached out to hug his niece while forcing her to the ground with a “compliance/control” maneuver. His niece is recovering nicely and expected to post bond shortly if she does not commit suicide by hanging herself with her Miley Cyrus shoelaces while in Dodge’s custody.

For some time now there have been numerous complaints filed with the Greenfield Police Department involving abusive acts by Sgt. Dodge. Freedom of Information documents show a systemic pattern of rage followed by short-lived remorse or sorrow, followed by even more physical aggression. There was even one instance where Dodge received what can only be described as a one-in-a-million self-inflicted injury when, while Tasering a suspect, Todd, while in tears, simultaneously embraced the man  stating, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” The 50,000 volt Taser compounded with the conductive nature of salty tears resulted in third degree burns to both Dodge and the suspect where their moist cheeks were joined in a bittersweet embrace. Medical authorities said the incident is all the more strange, seeing as how Dodge shot the Taser darts into the suspects genitals at close-range which should have directed the charge downwards instead of up to the head.

Chief of Police, David Guilbault, has had all of the complaints he can handle and after much anguish has placed Dodge on administrative leave for what has been determined to be menopausal symptoms.  “Officer Dodge recently acted admirably in subduing two miscreants representing Copblock.org for their defecating on the Constitution by filming in a highly secured area while possessing tattoos and attitudes.” Pete Eyre and Adam  Mueller, representatives of Copblock.org, were claiming to be exercising some “crazy” right nowhere to be found in the list of governmental privileges when they were apprehended and processed for endangering our democracy. During their detainment, Sgt. Dodge attempted to “get their minds right” by reminding them that they were vermin and rodents, but still afforded the minimalist of liberties so long as they offer their puckered posterior to their master, the State.  When asked by the accused what Dodge would do if the tables were turned Dodge replied, “I’d fucking kill you!” Guilbault commented, “It’s one thing to have a hot-head on the streets keeping the people safe from themselves, but we cannot have a member of our ranks who, upon inflicting unreasonable, violent, and sometimes catastrophic harm to otherwise peaceable individuals, emotionally flip back and forth from aggression to tears. If you’re going to degrade another human being then, dammit man, have the stones to drink the blood of the vanquished.” In the case of Eyre and Mueller, Dodge behaved admirably until he became so frustrated at the incessant chanting by the miscreants that he actually went to the lobby and watched a DVD of the Best of Oprah while lying in a fetal position and sucking the barrel of his department issued firearm.

Rightonthemark.com has obtained medical records from a health clinic located in the Greenfield area related to a Miss Todd M. Dodge for treatment addressing a “urinary tract condition claimed to have been transmitted by a toilet seat, but which we consider highly unlikely and are more inclined to believe relates to genital contact with something we’d rather not say because to even fathom the thought gives us the heebie-jeebies.”  In the report, Miss Dodge tells of painful urination and a sensation of uncleanliness most unbecoming one of the strictest hygienic standards, as well as hot flashes, mood swings, inability to focus, excitability, and diminished menstrual flow; all of which are usually the makings of a consummate police officer, notwithstanding the menstrual flow.

Sgt. Dodge will spend the next 45 days on paid administrative leave while he will seek counseling, hormone replacement therapy, and subscriptions to magazines such as “Hormonal Hatred Monthly”, and “Bitch Trapped in a Man’s Body Quarterly”. Hopefully, Dodge will travel the road to recovery and resume his life of violating rights, beating the innocent, impugning humanity, and torturing the innocent with nary a bout or awareness of conscience.

“We wish Dodge a speedy recovery and hopefully a long-awaited timely demise of people whom we deem guilty of something because we can.”, said Guilbault. “He does honor to the badge, even if he is somewhat of a pussy.”

Sgt. Dodge can be reached at the following numbers/email address:

Todd M. Dodge – 413-773-5411 ext 1415 – dodget@greenfieldpd.org

EPN

Ademo Freeman

was born and raised in Wisconsin, traveled the country in a RV dubbed “MARV” and is an advocate of a voluntary society, where force is replaced with voluntary interactions. He’s partaken in projects such as, Motorhome Diaries, Liberty on Tour, Free Keene, Free Talk Live and is the Founder of CopBlock.org.
____________________________________________________________________________

If you enjoy my work at CopBlock.org, please, consider donating $1/month to the CopBlock Network or purchasing CopBlock.org Gear from the store.
____________________________________________________________________________

Find Ademo at these social networks:
Facebook
Twitter
Youtube

  • LOL

  • A Cop

    Not nice.

  • Anna

    I’m generally with you guys, and this cop seems like a pretty bad guy, but this article is misogynist crap not worthy of you. Basically, you’re saying that this cop is bad because he’s like a woman. That’s not a healthy way to express your frustration and anger, and it’s hateful towards women, especially those of us who respect and support your efforts. I hope that you’ll replace this with words more in line with the views I know you hold: that all people, regardless of gender, are created equal, and that women are just as deserving of respect as men.

  • Actually, what’s “not nice” is being part of an organization that violently suppresses competing entities and derives its funding (and its employees paychecks) from money violently confiscated from innocent people.

  • Adam Mueller

    Anna – This story was found, written and originally posted else where. I look at this in the same manner as Saturday Night Live or the Onion which is for comical relief. Nothing more, its a repost of an article.

  • I hate stupid cops

    ‘A Cop’, Dodge and other cops have a choice to be peaceful public servants or tyrants. You and all other cops deserve 10x the bullshit that you dish out. …About as nice as I can be to Dodge is to wait till he’s buried before pissing on his grave!

    …Every bit of hate you cops get is due to the ignorance of ‘just doing your job’.

    …If you want to quit being hated, then WAKE THE F@cK UP and hold yourself to a much higher standard!

  • Anna

    I don’t think it’s too much to ask that people who are themselves not sexist also refrain from repeating and endorsing sexist comments made by others. The fact that you didn’t write it doesn’t make it any more acceptable for you to reprint it. And yes, I’d call out the Onion in the same way if I knew that their writers stood up for individual liberty but were making jokes based on the premise that some individuals are stronger and better than others.

  • I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes:) Good job “Thomas Spooner”.

  • “Truth is stranger than fiction,” but fiction is often funnier!

  • Justin Cummings

    Is this the same jackoff that arrested Adam and Pete? If so can they use this behavior to their advantage in any way?

  • Tiffany Ward

    who is the ass who made all this shit up???? I have known officer Dodge since I was 17 years old , I am now 33, he is a good person and an outstanding officer! take your lies and go somewhere else!!!

  • Joe

    You guys are the biggest douchebags in world. GFY and get a life!

  • Dr. Q

    I’m going to have to agree with Anna on this one — two thumbs down for this author’s sexism/misogyny. I don’t mind that this was re-posted since it mentions Cop Block, but I would’ve liked to see a comment disowning the sexist attitude expressed in it. It’s really not something I want to be associated with.

  • Adam Mueller

    You’re not associated with the post of others, atleast to me. I don’t know why any reader of Cop Block would assume that what one of us writes/post is a direct reflection of what the other contributors think. We all are free to comment and have our feelings expressed… I will take this into consideration before I post something of such nature again. Not because I agree with you but because the market has spoken and the hits don’t justify the negative comments. Thanks.

  • Stoney-Browning

    Nope! Not menopause!! Clear cut case of PMS! (Punctured Miscreant Syndrome) Not damaging physically to the subject per say, but can cause bruising, and blood loss to those around the subject!